My sister took her life 8 months ago. We were best friends. I took a trip to Colorado to visit her last July and a week after my visit I received the worst phone call-the worst nightmare of my life. I was told that she took her life. There were no signs of suicide and I am still in shock that this horrible act has happened. Since then a part of my soul hardened. Somedays are rough and I can’t stop thinking about the why’s which turns into a downward spiral of depression. I still find the positive things in life, but I don’t feel whole. I desperately want to go back to how I was prior to her passing but I know that will never happen.
Recently I realized that I need to look at this situation as an opportunity to grow and to become something better; to live life with more passion and love.
On top of grieving over my sister, my husband & I have been trying to get pregnant for the last 2 years. Who would have thought getting pregnant could be so hard. It’s always when you want something really bad it takes forever to get. Well a miracle happened and we finally got pregnant a few months ago. I couldn’t believe it! My husband and were so happy and excited! I couldn’t wait for my first appointment and I couldn’t wait to start planning the baby’s room. It was a week before Thanksgiving and I was about seven weeks and I ended up going through a miscarriage. I was devastated and didn’t want to move or do anything. I had to force myself keep going. The positive is that I know I can get pregnant and I also found out that my type of blood attacks positive blood cells so my body basically attacked the baby because it thought it was a bad thing. So now I know I need to get a special shot as soon as I find out I’m pregnant again. It’s the craziest thing and it’s starting to make me feel like a crazy person. Like every month I am taking pregnancy tests. So dealing with all of these crazy emotions has been so hard, but some how I am still smiling and pressing forward.
We all have hurdles in life and I know I’m not the only one. The more I open up about what I have been going through to friends, family & new people I meet, the more connected and in common we become. I love life and although at times I just want to give up and not care about anything, there is something stopping me from giving up. Working on myself has been a challenge, but I am getting there. Talking to a professional scared me, but I recently finally felt a release of pain leave me. Trying acupuncture for fertility has calmed my nerves, taking natural antidepressants has evened my roller coaster of emotions out.
When you love yourself and believe in yourself and when you don’t give up on yourself, life becomes so much easier! So to anyone who feels alone, don’t give up. Trust the process and believe in yourself and seek help if needed. There are so many resources to utilize that really help and remember that you are not alone ❤